MY CAMERA, GOD AND I

On turNing 25..

1/10/2017

Oh gosh. Oh Lord. I am turning 25.
I remember being 15 and wondering what the 25 year old me would be like.
Married?
Children?
Own home?
A job that would allow me to wear a wardrobe consisting of Zara and Whistles with beautifully manicured finger nails?
And the 24 year old me soon to be 25 looks at that list and laughs: "A no to all of the above."

I am scared about this new chapter. I feel as if this year will be a season of responsibility. Something I know I need. Wisdom and understanding. Learning who I really am. All things I need to do. Things I wish I had done prior to now, but I guess everything happens in its rightful time.
There's just one thing I wish I could tell my younger self. Gosh, something I wish I followed more closely now..
Stop seeking the approval of others, no matter how subconscious it is. Stop it and just be.

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NEED FOR CONTROL

30/9/2017

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Control.
Dear Jesus,
How do I give over control of my life, of my desires, of my dreams, of me over to you?
An invisible God.
My biggest struggle is learning to trust you. No, I think my biggest struggle is learning to just let go of my mind and allowing you to come in. Not just partially and on my terms, but how you want too. Completely and unashamedly.

Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God. The very first scripture in the bible that I memorised, my favourite. But also the one that is probably the hardest for me to grasp my head around.
To be still and know that you are God is to have faith in your abilities, your power. Waiting on you through every good time and every bad time. Regardless. To know that you are with me even when I can't hear you or feel your presence. To be still is to stay in the place of prayer, to trust and know that you are in control and that you will never leave me nor forsake me.
When situations arise that are way above my means to comprehend I fall short of this. I'm like someone drowning, thrashing to hold onto something/anything to control at any cost. Instead of just floating, trusting that you will handle all of my cares.

I want to get to where you are calling me to be.
I will be still. I will wait on you. I will not move.
Be still and know that I am God.
Just trust and know that I am God.
I am still God.

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returning to my first love..

12/9/2017

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I remember the day where I first gave my life to you. I never did an altar call or had someone lead me in confession. Looking back, I'm sure at the time I didn't even properly realise what it was I was doing. But that is the moment I identify as the time where I first gave myself to you; where I moved from the camp of darkness into light.
To be honest, I was still a train wreck, but I really do believe that though my natural body was still the same; inside you were working on me.
Good Friday, 2014. (I think!)
I googled the day and the date was Friday 18th April. Mummy's church and subsequently OUR church now, was holding some sort of prayer meeting because it was Good Friday. I must have been home from uni for Easter and didn't have any plans and so decided to go. At that time, I was definitely a spectator with you - happy to sit back and watch you work but not willing to get stuck in myself. Interested enough in you to actually step inside church, but not believing enough about what the bible said and all the gymnastics and the Holy Spirit. If I'm honest with you, I thought it and you were kind of fake. Until it happened to me.
Sitting in the back row of the church on the right hand side, a man of God was singing. Gosh, I wish I remembered what the song was! Because I know that I loved it and was singing along. No cares just singing and watching everyone. Somehow I went from sitting down spectating to on my knees with my hands lifted high to you! Full on tears streaming down my face - what on earth was happening?! This beautiful engulfing overwhelming electrifying feeling of something so much bigger than myself came upon me. This feeling which I now associate with your presence. Something inside me came bubbling out and all I could say was God I'm sorry. Sorry for what I thought? Honestly, I had no clue. It was as if your spirit which has always been inside of me, took over and was leading me in worshipping you in a way that I had never done before. And suddenly I didn't care. I was crying out to you, this God who I knew off but didn't know or really believe.
I mean if you were real why was my life so painstakingly difficult? On paper it seemed good but on the inside I was crumbling, dying.
As the singing increased, so did my crying and my need to say I'm sorry. So did the presence of peace and love and tingly sensations. And then as soon as it came, it stopped. My first encounter with you; the Holy Spirit. The one who loved me first.
The man of God told me after that he saw angels all around me, protecting me. Can I be honest with you God? At first I thought wow and then I thought LOL. Angels? Protecting me? Where were these so called angels when I had no job at uni, no money to pay rent, seriously considering dropping out of uni and moving back home because I couldn't afford anything and the girls that I lived with and who were on my course were a NIGHTMARE!! Where were these angels when my self-esteem was to the floor and so I gave myself to anyone who gave me any form of attention? Where were these angels when I would lay in a room of darkness on my own from morning to night? Yeah.. angels.
I really didn't believe that man of God. I remember the very next day I went to go and get a new piercing. It took me two years to have that experience with you again God. Though I know Friday 18th April 2014 was the day I became yours and you started working on me. Patiently waiting for me to return to you.
My first true love.

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open diary

On turNing 25..

NEED FOR CONTROL

returning to my first love..