I remember the day where I first gave my life to you. I never did an altar call or had someone lead me in confession. Looking back, I'm sure at the time I didn't even properly realise what it was I was doing. But that is the moment I identify as the time where I first gave myself to you; where I moved from the camp of darkness into light.
To be honest, I was still a train wreck, but I really do believe that though my natural body was still the same; inside you were working on me.
Good Friday, 2014. (I think!)
I googled the day and the date was Friday 18th April. Mummy's church and subsequently OUR church now, was holding some sort of prayer meeting because it was Good Friday. I must have been home from uni for Easter and didn't have any plans and so decided to go. At that time, I was definitely a spectator with you - happy to sit back and watch you work but not willing to get stuck in myself. Interested enough in you to actually step inside church, but not believing enough about what the bible said and all the gymnastics and the Holy Spirit. If I'm honest with you, I thought it and you were kind of fake. Until it happened to me.
Sitting in the back row of the church on the right hand side, a man of God was singing. Gosh, I wish I remembered what the song was! Because I know that I loved it and was singing along. No cares just singing and watching everyone. Somehow I went from sitting down spectating to on my knees with my hands lifted high to you! Full on tears streaming down my face - what on earth was happening?! This beautiful engulfing overwhelming electrifying feeling of something so much bigger than myself came upon me. This feeling which I now associate with your presence. Something inside me came bubbling out and all I could say was God I'm sorry. Sorry for what I thought? Honestly, I had no clue. It was as if your spirit which has always been inside of me, took over and was leading me in worshipping you in a way that I had never done before. And suddenly I didn't care. I was crying out to you, this God who I knew off but didn't know or really believe.
I mean if you were real why was my life so painstakingly difficult? On paper it seemed good but on the inside I was crumbling, dying.
As the singing increased, so did my crying and my need to say I'm sorry. So did the presence of peace and love and tingly sensations. And then as soon as it came, it stopped. My first encounter with you; the Holy Spirit. The one who loved me first.
The man of God told me after that he saw angels all around me, protecting me. Can I be honest with you God? At first I thought wow and then I thought LOL. Angels? Protecting me? Where were these so called angels when I had no job at uni, no money to pay rent, seriously considering dropping out of uni and moving back home because I couldn't afford anything and the girls that I lived with and who were on my course were a NIGHTMARE!! Where were these angels when my self-esteem was to the floor and so I gave myself to anyone who gave me any form of attention? Where were these angels when I would lay in a room of darkness on my own from morning to night? Yeah.. angels.
I really didn't believe that man of God. I remember the very next day I went to go and get a new piercing. It took me two years to have that experience with you again God. Though I know Friday 18th April 2014 was the day I became yours and you started working on me. Patiently waiting for me to return to you.
My first true love.
To be honest, I was still a train wreck, but I really do believe that though my natural body was still the same; inside you were working on me.
Good Friday, 2014. (I think!)
I googled the day and the date was Friday 18th April. Mummy's church and subsequently OUR church now, was holding some sort of prayer meeting because it was Good Friday. I must have been home from uni for Easter and didn't have any plans and so decided to go. At that time, I was definitely a spectator with you - happy to sit back and watch you work but not willing to get stuck in myself. Interested enough in you to actually step inside church, but not believing enough about what the bible said and all the gymnastics and the Holy Spirit. If I'm honest with you, I thought it and you were kind of fake. Until it happened to me.
Sitting in the back row of the church on the right hand side, a man of God was singing. Gosh, I wish I remembered what the song was! Because I know that I loved it and was singing along. No cares just singing and watching everyone. Somehow I went from sitting down spectating to on my knees with my hands lifted high to you! Full on tears streaming down my face - what on earth was happening?! This beautiful engulfing overwhelming electrifying feeling of something so much bigger than myself came upon me. This feeling which I now associate with your presence. Something inside me came bubbling out and all I could say was God I'm sorry. Sorry for what I thought? Honestly, I had no clue. It was as if your spirit which has always been inside of me, took over and was leading me in worshipping you in a way that I had never done before. And suddenly I didn't care. I was crying out to you, this God who I knew off but didn't know or really believe.
I mean if you were real why was my life so painstakingly difficult? On paper it seemed good but on the inside I was crumbling, dying.
As the singing increased, so did my crying and my need to say I'm sorry. So did the presence of peace and love and tingly sensations. And then as soon as it came, it stopped. My first encounter with you; the Holy Spirit. The one who loved me first.
The man of God told me after that he saw angels all around me, protecting me. Can I be honest with you God? At first I thought wow and then I thought LOL. Angels? Protecting me? Where were these so called angels when I had no job at uni, no money to pay rent, seriously considering dropping out of uni and moving back home because I couldn't afford anything and the girls that I lived with and who were on my course were a NIGHTMARE!! Where were these angels when my self-esteem was to the floor and so I gave myself to anyone who gave me any form of attention? Where were these angels when I would lay in a room of darkness on my own from morning to night? Yeah.. angels.
I really didn't believe that man of God. I remember the very next day I went to go and get a new piercing. It took me two years to have that experience with you again God. Though I know Friday 18th April 2014 was the day I became yours and you started working on me. Patiently waiting for me to return to you.
My first true love.